For all those interested in the travails of Newcastle United I rather liked this piece by James Hamilton.  He reckons it’s being teed up for a sale.

You can find football fans in the oddest places

Am I the only one(3) who finds the idea of Premier League teams playing regular season games abroad rather fun?

I think it maybe because I see it as a way that capitalism can win over nationalism.  Up to now the ultimate stage has been the World Cup, an event that seems to do little other than serve up sub-standard football, put the process of male evolution into reverse and squander the talents of greats like George Best, Kevin Keegan and Liam Brady.  What if the ultimate stage was something that was actually quite good and something everybody, regardless of origin could buy into?  And it would give FIFA a well-deserved slap in the face - surely something we can all get behind.

If I have one complaint it is about the way the Football Association has chosen to sell the idea.  It is all corporate stuff like “promoting the brand” and “exploting new markets”.  Had it never occurred to these guys that exploiting new markets and hence making more money is a good thing in itself(1) and that therefore the thing to do is to stress the benefits?  Why not: “This will give millions more fans the chance to see their football teams.  It will allow the Manchester United fan in Bangkok, the Arsenal fan in Sydney and the Watford fan in Bangalore the unique experience of seeing their favourite team in the flesh.”

One of the crazier arguments against this scheme I heard over the weekend was the one that very few ordinary fans (as in, from the place after which the team is named) will be able to get to see their team when it plays abroad.  The irony seemed to be lost on these people.  This was the very weekend when people were commemorating the Munich disaster - a consequence of the pioneering spirit of Manchester United in entering the European Cup and playing in the oh-so-accessible Belgrade(2). 

Notes
1.  See Profit is Good.
2.  I haven’t looked up the sums but I would guess that is probably easier for the average Manchester United fan to travel to Sydney now than to Belgrade back then.
3.  See my friend Johnathan Pearce for an example of the vitriol this has induced.

Today comes the rather depressing news that Al Bangura, a Watford midfielder, it to be chucked out of the country.  This is wrong on no end of levels but I’ll stick to the fundamental one: there shouldn’t be any immigration controls at all.

Boy, was I glad that I decided never to get wound up by this sort of thing ever again.

Well, it made me laugh.  Especially, the disclaimer.

Talking of which, footie, that is, rather than disclaimers, I think I may have found out the real reason for Chelsea’s run of poor form:

Mourinho managing his last Chelsea game

See here in case you don’t know what I am talking about.

Look at this lineup of the Premiership’s most successful managers:

And now look at the lineup of the least successful:

Spot the difference?  There’s no doubt about it - a quick trip to Burtons can make all the difference.  Just ask Gareth Southgate whose sartorial conversion took place only a couple of weeks ago.

From zero…

...to hero

In 1982, as in 2006, Watford Football Club was promoted to Division 1 (yes, that’s Divsion 1 - we’re not going to have any of this “Premiership” nonsense around here thank you very much).

Then, the ground had a capacity of 28,000.  Now it is 22,000.

Then you could stand in the rain and jump about like crazy when we scored.  Now you can’t.

Then, the whole place looked run down.  Now, it looks incredibly modern.

Then, the average gate was 15,000.  Only Liverpool or Manchester United could hope to fill it up.  This season I expect it to be near capacity - they’ve already sold out their 13,500 season tickets.

Then, newly promoted clubs could expect to do well - in 1983 Watford finished runners-up.  Now, well, staying up would be fantastic.

Then, the best seat in the house cost a fiver.  Add in inflation and that’s probably a tenner.  Now, the cheapest ticket is £35.

Then, Watford was a natural Division 3 team.  Now, it spends most of its time in Division 2.

The stand that was then the best is now the worst.

Then, Elton John and Graham Taylor had a plan to build a brand, spanking new stadium on a greenfield site.  They were laughed at.  Now, to all intents and purposes we’ve got one.

Then, there was a problem with football hooliganism.  Now, to the best of my knowledge that is confined to the national team.

What does this all mean?  Probably, that football is much more popular than it used to be.  Or, that its fans got richer.  Or older.  And more Southern.  Whatever it is it’s quite dramatic.  I don’t think there was anything like the same kind of change in the quarter century prior to 1982.

Here’s a little challenge for you should you feel so inclined:

Just to prove that the boot can be put on the other foot:

I am talking serious silverware here ie League Championship, European Cup or managing a serious football team for a reasonable length of time.  For the League I think Howard Wilkinson (in 1992) is the most recent.  For the European Cup I think it’s Joe Fagan (1984) and for the serious football team the nearest I can get is Kevin Keegan in his Newcastle days.

Just blips or signs of deeper truths?

Update Aargh!  Turns out that Bob Wilson wasn’t/isn’t Scottish.  Not that that stopped him playing for the national team.  Ditto his successor.

So, Wembley’s going to be delayed again, eh?  Yeah, well, I’d lay some pretty heavy odds on it being delayed again and a few more times after that.  For, I think it’s about time we revealed the truth.  There is no Wembley Stadium.  It’s a hoax.

You see, the reality is that Wembley Stadium is an 80-year-long, three-card trick played on unsuspecting foreigners.  First we put it up.  Second, driven mad with envy at this symbol of national virility, and at massive cost to their bedraggled taxpayers, insecure foreigners (you know: Aussies and Frenchmen) build their own.  Third, we tear ours down thus demonstrating that national stadiums are a complete waste of time and leaving Johnny Foreigner to admire his folly.

Don’t believe me?  Well, just look at the success of the England Road Show, in which the team have travelled up and down the land and had a whale of a time. 

Ah, but what are all these photos, then?  A six-year old, a Meccano set and a bit of Photoshopping.

But, what about all these head honchos at the FA getting all steamed up?  All part of the plan.  It’s World Cup year and the last thing anyone wants is the FA putting their fingers into the team’s pies.  Best to keep them occupied.

Let’s face it, who in his right mind is going to spend £120m on a national stadium?  That would be stupid.

What is one to make of this Sven business?  He saves our 2002 World Cup qualifying campaign and leads us to an unprecedented run of results which include victories over Germany and Argentina (twice).  Now, in a normal, rational world that should make the guy’s job secure. 

But this is no normal world.  This is FAland.  “Oh but, Sven is the Scandalmeister”, they say.  Until, that is, you look at what he is supposed to have done.  Banging Ulrika Jonnson and Faria Alam?  Hey, FA bods that’s what single men are supposed to do.  Claiming that managers take bungs?  Fuck me, you don’t say.  Or that David Beckham is unhappy at Real Madrid?  Ditto.

And now, for the pièce de résistance - they want to replace him with an English manager.  Now, I might understand if the Great One were still available but he’s not.  Hey, FA guys, take a look at the top of the table.  See any English-managed teams there?  No? I didn’t think so.  Hmm, thinks, maybe there’s a reason for that.  Hmm, like maybe the English are rubbish at managing football teams.

Really, the sooner the FA is parcelled up and sold to the Glazers the better.  They couldn’t do any worse.

Update Seems that the FA is prepared to look at foreign coaches.  Don’t you just hate it when the facts get in the way of a good rant?

At last they’ve got someone in charge who looks like he might sort out their underperforming management and get them back into contention for major trophies and what do they do? Complain about it.  Unbelievable.  Relegation is too good for these people.

Update Laban Tall points out that football clubs aren’t like other businesses.

Wayne loves cars so much that he proposed to Colleen on a petrol station forecourt. On to her trembling finger he slipped a £25,000 diamond and platinum ring, which, when she learned how much time he’d been spending in a Liverpool brothel, she reportedly threw into a squirrel sanctuary.

From the Telegraph.